my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
