he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
