Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
