Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
