you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
