Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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