i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
