I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
