Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
