Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just pee around me
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
