i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
