He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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