This is not my ceiling
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
