Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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