my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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