I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
