im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
