So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
