Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
