So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
pray to the hookup gods
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
