she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
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