I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
