Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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