so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
