i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
