My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
