Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
