I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Randomize
