rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
