Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
