I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
