i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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