he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
