my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
