If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize