upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
