i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
