Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
