This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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