is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
