Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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