you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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