Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
