I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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