On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
