Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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