i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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