it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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