Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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