And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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