the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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