i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.