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• (805): View more from California

  i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?

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• (714): View more from California

  He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags

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  21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex

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• (647): View more from Ontario

  You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws

  (416): View more from Toronto

  That explains the stains on my shirt

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.

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• (270): View more from Kentucky

  I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.

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  27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst

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• (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.

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• (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me

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• (712): View more from Iowa

  Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.

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• (916): View more from California

  I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.

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• (423): View more from Tennessee

  Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.

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