Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.