life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
