Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Randomize
