Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
