i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
