he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
