in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
