the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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