wakey wakey hands off snakey
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
