I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
