I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
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Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
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He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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