im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
