they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
